STAR WARS, as told to me by my father when I was little

Luke Skywalker is this bratty kid who lives in the desert. All he wants to do is go over to Tosche Station and pick up some power converters. Then an old guy steps out of the desert and says, “I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father.” And Luke goes, “Oh yeah?” The old guy says, “He was the best star pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I understand that you’ve become quite a good pilot yourself.” And Luke goes, “Oh really?” The old guy says, “You cannot escape your destiny.” Luke takes one look at the guy’s raggedy brown outfit and goes, “SEE YA!”

So, later, Luke Skywalker is on this swamp planet, and a little goblin is riding in his backpack. They come to this cave. The goblin says, “That place is strong with the Dark Side of the Force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go.” And Luke goes, “Oh yeah?” The goblin says, “Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?” And Luke goes, “Oh really?” The goblin says, “If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will.” Luke takes one whiff of that nasty swamp gas, realizes he has a twin sister who could easily do this stuff instead, and goes, “SEE YA!”

Finally, they’re on this floating laser gun planet, and Luke Skywalker is crossing swords with his father, who’s like a black samurai demon. Darth Vader says, “You cannot hide forever.” And Luke goes, “Oh yeah?” Darth Vader says, “Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends.” And Luke goes, “Oh really?” Darth Vader says, “You underestimate the power of the Dark Side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny.” Luke thinks about this for a minute. He takes a bathroom break. He phones a friend. He walks around, admiring the fine crafstmanship of the floating laser gun planet. He does some jumping jacks. Then he goes, “SEE YA!”

Afterwards, Emperor Palpatine comes out of the shadows, and he’s like, “Who were you talking to?” Darth Vader says, “That was my son, Luke Skywalker, the bratty kid from the desert.” Emperor Palpatine goes, “Oh yeah?” Darth Vader says, “Yeah. He was standing right here, and then he used the crapper, phoned a friend, did some jumping jacks, and took off.” Emperor Palpatine says, “Oh really? Luke Skywalker?” Darth Vader goes, “Yes, master, what’s the big fucking deal?” Emperor Palpatine says, “Look. That wasn’t Luke Skywalker. It couldn’t have been. Luke Skywalker has been dead for a hundred and sixty years.”

Creepy, right? Good night!



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