1. She wouldn’t shut up about it. She got me in a headlock. Her lawyer served me with a crate full of paperwork outlining the case for matrimony in 10-point Arial, plus an audio recording of every single page in case I claimed to be legally blind. She flexed her biceps and I started to pass out.
2. We both ate too many Corn Nuts, and Corn Nuts have this unintended chemical side effect that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Read the bag. There’s a warning.
3. Long story short, I thought we were about to die.
4. Saturdays, I visit my psychic. But on this particular Saturday my psychic was late. So I was standing in line with Boz Scaggs. Just me and Boz Scaggs, eating shrimp chips in the park next to a collapsible table with a frilly umbrella and a sign that said PALMS READ $5. I muttered something about how my girlfriend was going to kill me for being late to our pottery class, and that’s when Boz Scaggs turned to me with the most beatific smile. Strumming a few power chords on the Fender Blastomaster that he always carries around, he taught me this amazing lesson about how love is the only thing that truly matters. I had to propose immediately. I handed Boz Scaggs the $5 that I would have paid for the psychic. He said “I can’t accept this,” and I said “Wow, you’re the best,” and he said “No, this is meaningless to me, I could sell the crud between my teeth to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for more than this,” and I got all sheepish and gave him everything I had—wallet, phone, pants. Wherever you are, Boz Scaggs, thank you!
5. I tried to tell her she was parked in a red zone but it came out wrong.
6. I hired a marching band, a ballet troupe, and an Indian circus elephant. The autumn air was crisp. A few puddles dotted the sidewalk after a light rainshower. The diamond was bigger than my fist and cut in the shape of two songbirds. When she stepped out of her favorite coffee shop…. Oh wait, that wasn’t her. That was someone else.
7. I had just been rejected by someone else, despite using the old Marching Band, Ballet Troupe, and Indian Circus Elephant routine. I was feeling pretty low. So I bought a hot dog. The hot dog vendor mentioned that he had a daughter of marriageable age. And I was like, “What’s her number? I have an emoticon where the smiley face gets down on one knee.”
- Brian Hurley