That’s a Picasso.

That’s a Jackson Pollock.

That’s another Picasso.

Here in the corner of the shot, you see a piece of bright green cloth? That’s a girl wearing a green jacket. She kind of followed us around the museum. Or I guess we followed her. You know how you get in a groove at these places, and you just cycle through the rooms? We ended up cycling with her. She mostly crossed her arms and looked serious.

I shot this photo especially for you, because I know you love red. Wouldn’t this look awesome in your apartment? I think it’s a Matisse.

This is a famous painting by Jasper Johns. It’s basically an American flag. Christine stood in front and saluted it while I took a photo. The girl in the green jacket didn’t like that. She made a face.

That’s a Chagall.

Those are a couple of Mondrians.

I asked the girl in the green jacket to take a photo of me and Christine in front of The Starry Night. She didn’t seem to understand what I wanted. Probably because I was handing her a phone instead of a camera. I’m such an idiot sometimes — I left my camera in the bag at coat check! But luckily I have a big megapixel camera on my phone. That’s our friend in the green jacket, there in the back, sulking, while a tourist from Italy or somewhere takes the picture for us.

Here’s a sailboat by George Seurat. You see all the little dots? It’s kind of like those 3-D pictures where you cross your eyes to see a hidden image. I took one picture from far away, then I stepped closer to take another one, and I kept taking little steps, snapping a picture each time, until my phone was almost smudging the paint. Suddenly there was a beeping sound, like an alarm. Christine looked over and said, “Get back! What are you doing? You can just zoom in later.” And you know what? She was right! Watch, you can zoom in until it’s nothing but pixels.

This is a photo of the girl in the green jacket. I took it as she was storming out of the museum, just in case security wanted to know what all the fuss was about. See, I asked her to stand back from a Cezanne she was looking at — just a little painting of a castle in the trees — so I could get Christine in the shot. It wasn’t even a famous painting. The girl didn’t like that. Not one bit. She raised her voice. She cursed at us. I did a good job of staying calm, though. Some people don’t understand how to behave in museums.

Monet’s water lilies are pretty cool. But I couldn’t get the flash to work right. It always cast a glare. Plus the security guy kept saying, “No flash, no flash,” so I had to leave the room and come back later to try again. It really needed the flash. So what I did was — I know this is cheating, but I really wanted the water lilies in my slideshow! — I took a photo of the picture of the water lilies from the museum program. See? I laid the program on the sidewalk and took a picture with flash. You can hardly tell the difference!

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