ANGELOU NOMINATED FOR SECRETARY OF STATE

Citing her record of empathy and her ability to articulate complex emotions, the President, speaking from the Rose Garden, nominated Maya Angelou as his Secretary of State. “Just as John McPhee has been instrumental in getting the Department of the Interior back on track,” said the President, “Maya Angelou will give us a new poetics of international relations.” Angelou’s confirmation is all but assured, since the Senate Majority Leader is always raving about a seminar he took from her in grad school.

EXPERIMENTAL WRITERS TAKE CREDIT FOR ATTACK

An untitled coalition of experimental writers knocked out an electric power grid at 3:20 a.m. on Wednesday, and scrawled their inscrutable verse on everything from the sides of warehouses to the back of a slow-moving cockroach. One resident, gazing at the graffiti, cried, “It doesn’t even make sense!” While many witnesses were horrified by the scene, others put on masks and fled into the darkness.

IS TOO MUCH SEX BAD FOR YOU?

A new study finds that people who have sex and socialize every night are at high risk for cancer and low self-esteem. Doctors recommend that everyone take a few days—or even, say, 6 months to 45 years—to stay home, read a book, and keep the blood pressure low.

CHICAGO TRAFFIC CRIPPLED BY CRITIC’S ARRIVAL

In preparation for a speaking engagement at the University of Chicago, literary critic James Wood arrived last night in an unmarked SUV, touching off a frenzy of activity. Traffic came to a stop as fans got a look at the eminent critic, who is currently facing a high-profile paternity suit from Megan Fox. The speech will be broadcast live on NBC, but officials say that won’t prevent a crowd from descending on the Regenstein Library. So far no looting has been reported.

THE DICKENS DIET

A profound cleanse, or just another marketing campaign by a clever book publisher? What reading Dickens—and only Dickens—can do for you.

SCIENTISTS BAFFLED (AGAIN)

Science came up against another problem it couldn’t solve today. Researchers threw down their clipboards in frustration and stormed off. Funding will be slashed around the world.

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