Don’t get the wrong idea about me. The last person who got the wrong idea about me, I had to bash his nose apart with my fists. Which is not the kind of person I am. I’m not a nose basher. So I had to drive this person to hospital, pay his medical bills, and stay with him during his recovery, so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea about me. We watched a lot of Seinfeld. He taught me pinochle. I had a long talk with his stepdaughter in the hospital corridor about how to show affection for a parental figure who’s been largely absent from your life. But that’s not the kind of person I am, either. I don’t go around paying for people’s medical bills and fixing their relationships with their stepdaughters, so don’t get the wrong idea about me.

– Brian Hurley