As a single mother by choice, I don’t often see books about motherhood that mirror my experience. When I was pregnant, I read books that assumed a lot about the reader: she was straight, married, had a certain amount of financial stability, and a certain level of education. Diversity in the representation of motherhood has been lacking for a while.

Nefertiti Austin’s memoir about becoming a single mother, Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America, tells the story of adopting a Black baby boy from the foster care system and navigating a society that overwhelmingly sees motherhood through a white lens, while also examining and challenging the history of adoption in the African American community. Austin also takes a look at what it means to be a single Black mother and the stereotypes that entails. Her memoir is a smart, incisive call to revisit and change the assumptions we hold about motherhood.

I was able to catch up with Austin over email.

In your book, you talk about how books about motherhood have implicitly meant white motherhood, and later you discuss books about adoption and how so few show Black parents adopting Black children. Can you speak to this a bit more? Do you see things changing at all?

There is a myth that Black people do not adopt. We do, it’s just that we take in relatives, extended family and church members’ kids, friends and neighbors from the community first. Some of these arrangements are informal, as in the case of my own Black adoption by my grandparents. Because of our shaky relationship with all aspects of the justice system, we are less likely to involve lawyers or social workers when birth parents cannot raise their own kids. These numbers are not tracked, so it looks like we don’t adopt.

This cultural decision not to involve children’s court does not fit traditional adoption norms—white Christian families with a rainbow of kids; white parents who adopt children of color; or white celebrity starlets who adopt Black children. Anything outside this paradigm is rarely written about, especially in children’s literature where the focus is on transracial adoption.

Change is certainly possible, but literary gatekeepers have to understand that a book about a bear who adopts a rabbit is not the same as a Black child being adopted by Black parents. Fostered and adopted Black kids need to see and understand their family configuration too.

What can we do to effect change?

We can diversify the definition of mother to include Black, Latinx, LGBTQ-IA, Asian, adoptive, foster, first mother, step-mother, and any other iteration of parent. Any mother should be able to pick up a parenting magazine, blog, book or go to a movie and see her parenting experience represented. Any vehicle that serves as a window or mirror into the lives of others is a great way to learn from and about each other.

I really love that. Because we don’t get a diverse picture of motherhood in any way right now in media outlets. There is a very narrow idea of the parenting experience, which “others” anyone else. And that can be a lonely place to be.

How do you think the creative community can support women, and mothers, especially?

I would love to see more writing conferences and retreats offer childcare. There are so many amazing workshops I’ve wanted to attend but haven’t bothered to apply because: (a) I have no one to leave my kids with; (b) the length of the program is too long; (c) I can’t afford to pay a sitter for seven or 10 days; or any combination of these. Scholarships could be created specifically for mother-artists who need support for travel, fees and peace of mind knowing that her kids are safe so she can write.

You talk in the book about your work as a romance writer. How was writing this book different for you, process-wise, than fiction?

I was 25 years old when my first novel was published. I had little life experience and was still finding my way in the world. I also had no writing process, but loved Waiting to Exhale by Terry McMillan and felt that I could also write a novel about Black people in love. Between 1999 and 2004, I wrote two women’s fiction novels and attended three writer’s conferences. Those craft classes were stimulating and informative and helped me grow as a writer.

I never expected to write nonfiction, let alone a memoir, so I wasn’t sure where or how to begin. My editor recommended Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed and I read a few other memoirs by women. Those writers were vulnerable in the description of their lives and I knew that I had to do the same in order for my narrative to be compelling. So when I began writing Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender and Parenting, I was thoughtful and deliberate about what went on each page. I also had excellent editors who kept me on message.

In the book, you talk about the reactions of family and friends to your decision to adopt through the foster care system. Do you think this is changing at all, how communities see foster-to-adopt?

In California, the process to adopt has shifted in favor of kinship adoptions. The goal has always been to keep families together, and by supporting relatives who want to foster or adopt family members, everyone wins. Children in out-of-home care get to remain within their known family unit, which will go a long way in mitigating the loss they feel when fostered or adopted by strangers. I think change will come when adoption is seen as a path to motherhood for everyone, not just affluent white couples.

What are you struggling with, as a parent and as a writer, right now?

Time. There are not enough hours in the day. I want to give myself, my kids, and my craft the best parts of me, but it’s not possible. Or I’m just not that organized. I strive for balance but come up short, often.

What books inspire you, and what are you reading right now?

I love all genres, but find that metaphysical and visionary fiction are most inspiring. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, The Game of Life and How to Play It by Florence Scovel Shinn, and others helped me over many a hump. When I’m not reading to my daughter or discussing middle-grade books with my son, I read in fits and starts. Currently I am reading a graphic novel Hot Comb by Dr. Ebony Flowers, and We Live For the We: The Political Power of Black Motherhood by Dani McClain.

What advice would you give to a writer trying to juggle parenthood and writing?

Good luck and don’t quit. Seriously, write when you can. That may mean getting up really early or going to be really late or writing when your kids are on a playdate with a friend. Writing can be an arduous process and unless you are on a deadline, don’t worry about how long it takes to finish your book, screenplay, poem, etc. It takes as long as it takes and eventually, you will finish. The important thing is to keep writing.

What’s on the horizon for you?

I have a couple of ideas for a TV movie and a children’s book for kids in foster care.