The Siege Weapons Ban

Homewrecker Industries

Knock knock. May I come in? I’m a traveling salesman.

Wait, don’t shut the door! I sell battering rams. Like this one here. The Stormin’ Doorman, I call him. Our smallest model, very popular with SWAT teams. You know what? Go ahead and shut the door. I’ll give you a free demonstration.

That’s a prudent decision. And what a lovely home you have. The Stormin’ Doorman was hoping to get acquainted with that magnificent door of yours. English oak, isn’t it? You see, at Homewrecker Industries, we love what we do. And what we do is build hellacious door-busters out of logs and iron. If we don’t already sell a battering ram that’s perfect for your needs, we’ll make you one from scratch. Seriously, we have a crippled blacksmith in a Romanian forest who does exquisite work.

Now, you’re probably wondering—

Oops! Sorry about that. The Stormin’ Doorman is a real klutz around glassware. And children, incidentally.

You’re probably wondering if there’s a lot of annoying paperwork involved. But let me assure you that as the nation’s premiere supplier of battering rams, flaming arrows, and weaponized bees, Homewrecker Industries is authorized to sell you a battering ram today for a small down payment. We hate background checks as much as you do! You know that Congress is debating a siege weapons ban? Now is the time to stockpile all your Greco-Roman ballista, torsion-spring catapults, and counterweight trebuchets, before Uncle Sam sets fire to the Second Amendment. We need to give battering rams to the good guys, and get the bad guys off the streets! Or, you know, out of their homes. If they happen to be inside a walled enclosure with doors made of wood or stone.

I can tell you’re skeptical. So let’s talk features. This ain’t your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather’s battering ram! Our siege engines come in seven different grains of wood that have been hand-selected by celebrities like Kyle Busch, Todd Oldham, and Pink to reflect their unique frontal assault sensibilities. For the cap of your battering ram, you can choose from a variety of elegant iron designs, including a goblin’s face, a dragon’s face, and a harpy’s face. You’ll feel as stylish as a Visigoth!

Are you sure I can’t convince you? We offer a number of convenient financing options. Give us your old battering ram, or a hive of angry bees, and we’ll throw in a $15 iTunes gift card.

Okay. Sure, I understand. But don’t expect our help when your neighbors fortify their walls and you need to borrow some eggs.

Which way to the door? I’ll let myself out.

– Brian Hurley

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